Oh, and to make matters even more hilarious...
Before I realized it was really not going to work at all, I went inside and rummaged around for the garage door keys that I hadn't used in just about those twenty years (because the door opener system provides its own locking). I thought I might be able to use the door manually for a day or two till it's fixed.
Okay, let's cut to the chase here. I found the keys, had a little trouble inserting one into the lock...and of course nothing will happen. It turns slightly, but, everything being broken, that does me no good. The door is too heavy to lift without the spring system working. And get this: the key is now stuck in the lock.
Oh, the good times we'll have, looking back and laughing at all of this!